Now a Word From Our Sponsor...?

AND NOW, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR

by J.M.MacLeod

THE AMAZING SCRIPTURE ADJUSTER

Friends, do you have trouble with what your Bible says?

Do you disagree with major or minor tenets of the Faith?

Do you always lose arguments when those annoying little verses that explode your theories are shoved under your nose?

If so, we have the perfect solution for you. You need 'The Amazing Scripture Adjuster'. Yessiree! The Amazing Scripture Adjuster will let you silence those know-it-alls, making them go scrambling back to their Bibles and commentaries in utter confusion.

Here's how it works. Just take a portion of Scripture you disagree with, apply this handy little device to the words on the page, and Presto! The disagreeable passage is erased. Imagine “Mr. Bible-Know-It-All's” dismay when you open your newly adjusted Bible to the passage in question, and show him a blank space! You can then clinch the victory by adding, "Well, it must not be in the better manuscripts," or, "That passage must not apply to today." Try this amazing device and see if you don't get immediate results.

But, that's not all the Amazing Scripture Adjuster does. Oh no, my friend, there is much, much more. Have you ever wondered what to do with all those blank pages at the back of your Bible? Well, they need not stay blank any longer. Yes, my friend, now the Amazing Scripture Adjuster makes it possible for you to write additions to the Bible! For instance, you know something is true, but can't find scripture to support it. By using the reverse end of the Adjuster on these blank pages, you can neatly print verses, whole chapters; or why not even a short book or two?

Now your Bible can say anything you want, and it won't say those things that make you uncomfortable.

Why delay? Order the Amazing Scripture Adjuster today. For a limited time offered at just $6.66, from I.R. Reverent Publications and Inventions. 

WORSHIP AIDS FOR THE SERIOUS BELIEVER

Do you ever struggle with a strong desire to raise your hands during those silent, reverent moments in church, when everything is 'decent and in order'?

Is it hard to restrain yourself from saying "Hallelujah!" or "Praise the Lord!" aloud?

Do you ever lose sleep the night before church in the fear that you might lose control and lift your hands in worship, only to open your eyes and discover you’re the only one still standing, and every eye in church is on you?           

If this describes you, you can relax. We have an assortment of inventions created with you in mind. WORSHIP AIDS FOR THE SERIOUS BELIEVER has developed a face-saving line of devices that will guarantee that the sobriety of the service is not disturbed by your zeal.

For those Hand Raisers out there, we offer the beautifully tooled, all-leather “John the Baptist Camel Hide Binder Strap”, tanned by official members of the tribe of Levi to exacting, ancient specifications. Just wrap one of these little gems around your chest and arms above the elbows and tie the thongs securely. You'll have all the freedom necessary for such motions as hymn book holding or passing the offering plate. The JTBCHBS strap will only restrain those wild impulses to raise your hands high to offer all.

For you shouters we have a fine line of nearly invisible muzzles. No one will know you’re wearing one. There’s a quick-release snap for testifying and singing—after all, it's only those spontaneous outbursts we want to contain, isn't it? Imagine going to church with full confidence that you won't make a fool out of yourself. What a relief!

Perhaps you’re not that impulsive, but someone in your family or one of your dearest friends has the disturbing condition of “noisy worship”. The JTBCHBS and muzzle make excellent gift ideas. What better way to say, "I really enjoy worshipping with you,"? They’ll appreciate your thoughtful concern, and so will others.

We also have, just in time for the holidays, items of a more discreet nature. Introducing: The Un-hearing Aid! These little babies slip right into your ear where no one, absolutely no one will see them. They’re guaranteed to block out most music, and all speaking.  When you can tell early on that the pastor's sermon has nothing new for you, just insert these Un-hearing Aids, settle back and enjoy a nap.

That, of course, leads to another recent development from our laboratories: The Sardis Eyelid Props. When combined with the Un-hearing Aids, Sardis Eyelid Props give you the appearance of being wide-awake even while snoozing. No one will ever know—unless you snore, but the muzzle will take care of that problem.

Remember, at WORSHIP AIDS FOR THE SERIOUS BELIEVER, we believe 'The prophet should be subject to the profit'.  

THE ARGUER'S COMMENTARY

A must for every devoted Bible scholar is the Arguer's Commentary. This fantastic, complete set of 144,000 volumes covers every possible controversy in the Bible from every possible angle. No matter which position your pastor or fellow parishioners take, you'll be able to devastate them with intellectual arguments. They'll be impressed with your grasp of the issues—if not your stand.

Satisfied customers tell us how friends and relatives make such comments as: "You really know your Bible, and "You ought to go into ministry." But you'll know where those clever arguments really came from.

If it's recognition for true spirituality you want, get the Arguer's Commentary. 

LAODICEAN HEATING AND AIR CONDITIONING

Is your church sanctuary too hot in the summer? Too cold in the winter?

Has the deacon board been frustrated in their attempts to reach the middle ground of compromise between polarized groups that are either too hot or too cold?

Does everyone in the congregation complain about the costs of cooling the building in the summer and heating it in the winter?

If so, your church needs: LAODICEAN HEATING AND AIR CONDITIONING!

We guarantee any church serviced by us will never be too hot or too cold, but will be kept at a convenient temperature for all. There will be no “hot-heads” or “cold feet”. Everybody will be lulled to a sense of comfort by avoiding all extremes.

What is the cost you ask? Don't worry about that now, you'll be billed in full later for your present creature comforts.

That's LAODICEAN HEATING AND AIR CONDITIONING. Act now, before the end of the age. Call 1-800-REV-3:14-22.   

BIBLICAL INSULTS FOR EVERY OCCASION

Does your Christian witness hinder you from telling people what you really think of them?

Introducing: Biblical Insults For Every Occasion.  This handy, pocket-sized book will let you cut loose with an insult that will both soothe your bruised ego and preserve your spiritual image.

Now, we all know that quoting scripture is one of the best ways to show your love and devotion to the truth, even if you happen to be in a hostile mood. Who's to say that even an insult, if taken from the Bible, won't bring the insultee under conviction, all while you enjoy the benefits of a stinging repartee without tarnishing your image.

Consider the possibilities:

Someone pulls out in front of you on the highway, cutting you off, endangering your family. Imagine their surprise when you key your C.B. and shout "JEHU!" at them.

Or, say you're a stranger in town, carrying a big Bible under your arm when some local wise guys snicker and call you a Bible-believing sissy. You'll disdainfully sneer back "Can any good thing come from— (insert name of town) ?" Will that ever put them in their place!

Or, maybe you're at a hockey game, sporting your brand new John 3:16 sweatshirt when some over-enthusiastic fan slops his drink all over you. He and everybody around already know you're a Christian, so he laughs, thinking you can't tell him off. The look on his face will be well worth it when you announce to everyone within earshot that he is a “Cretan Slowbelly!”

Ah yes, this little booklet will save the day every time. No longer do Christians need to smolder silently, afraid of hurting their witness. Biblical Insults  is a must for every Christian that mingles with worldly types who have no respect for anyone that can’t hold his own in a verbal slugfest.

Tab references make finding topical subjects easy, and a memory packet is included for those really anxious to enter this arena of spiritual warfare.

As you examine this useful little booklet, you’ll be amazed at what words are already in the Bible, just waiting for you to take them out of context. Worldly people are so limited in their vocabularies, you’ll be hailed as a fresh breeze of creativity to the world of insults. What an opportunity to expand your witness!

Presented by Raca House Publishing.   

FAMOUS PASTOR'S SCHOOL

Are you sitting at home, wondering what to do with your life? Just think, right now you could be out meeting fascinating people doing door to door visitation or hospital drop-ins; or you could be counseling; or doing serious study for an upcoming Sunday sermon. Yes friend, you too, could be a famous pastor!

Consider the benefits:

* An 'in' with God

* Respect and acceptance from all men

* A regular, guaranteed income (no need to live by faith)

* Gettting involved in intimate details of people's private lives

* A nice work wardrobe

* A happy, carefree family

* Car and housing allowances

* Clergyman's discounts

* Free subscriptions to religious magazines

* Reserved parking spaces at hospitals and jails

* Chief seats at dinners and other public meetings

Pastors are no one special, they're just normal people like you. Anybody can be one. No special skills, gifts or callings are required. Just come to our Famous Pastor's School and we'll see to it that you have all the training necessary to lead a modern, contemporary church.

We will thoroughly train you in the following:

* Acquiring a spiritual tone of voice

* Praying and preaching with big words

* Sermon planning—three main points and a poem

* Making psychology and worldly philosophies fit in select Scripture passages

* Motivating congregations with guilt trips

* Emotional appeals for extra tithes and offerings

* Preventing unity so factions don't unite and overrule you

* Currying favorites on the board of Directors

* Spiritual empire building via radio, TV and the internet.

* Evangelism contests

* Selection of S.S. teachers—are they warm and breathing?

* Topics to avoid lest giving be curtailed

* Topics that tickle the ears

* Planning for early retirement

All this and more will be taught when you attend our Famous Pastor's School. We are recognized and accredited by the World Trade Organization, The G7, The U.N. Committee on Secularizing the Church, and the Illuminati Institute for One World Religion.

For more information, dial: 1-800-BAK-SLID   

BE A FANATIC-- THE VIDEO SERIES

Bored with being a bump on a pew, an average Joe Christian?

Why not consider becoming a raving, wild-eyed fanatic?  'Be a Fanatic— the Video Series', is a powerful teaching tool that gives all the information you will ever need in seven easy lessons.

Your new style of witnessing will deeply impress friends and family.

Though they may be too timid to say, you'll be the envy of those in your church who wish they also had the courage of their convictions to go out like you, and offend the sensibilities of the public at large.

Tape One teaches the basics, like: The Wild Eyed Look.

Picture yourself in a public place such as a restaurant or bus. Your eyes glaze over as you stare unblinking at some stranger. In no time you'll have his undivided attention. As you move in for the clincher he'll be sure to listen to your every word, all because you've taken time to master this mighty witnessing tactic.

Tape Two covers tying up busy places such as stores and subways during business hours, or even major highways at rush hour, while proclaiming your message without missing a minor point.

Tape Three covers lawyer fees, making bail, jail cell witnessing, and making others think you are being persecuted for your faith.

Tape Four teaches you how to handle any de-programmers your parents or friends might contact to make you “normal” again. You'll not only be able to handle these obnoxious de-programmers, but might even deprogram them by using our proven methods of reverse intimidation.

Tape Five will help you maintain a normal appearance and lifestyle, no matter what your actual mental state. No one will know whether or not you've finally crossed the fine line from fanaticism into insanity except you, and our program is so effective there's a good chance you might not know either!

Tape Six shows you how to put down all those well-intentioned Christians who take it upon themselves to show you your faults. You'll be able to sling verses so fast at them they'll likely come under deep conviction and want to join you. This program will absolutely dull your ears to everything but what you want to hear.

Tape Seven wraps up the entire series with practical suggestions on how to alienate your family and others who love you, and only want to save you from yourself.

Then you'll receive instruction on taking it public with tips on dominating call-in shows and conniving guest appearances on local TV.

Also covered are ways to become a media event to attract the attention of national and international magazines and newspapers.

We guarantee complete satisfaction. Your life will never be the same, nor will those you come in contact with. Just think of the potential for forcing thousands into a premature negative decision. Those who reject your message probably wouldn't have become believers anyway, so you'll have helped them reach that decision that much earlier. What a useful service you'll be performing!

So come on, quit sitting there so normal, Be a Fanatic! The world is waiting for someone like you!

Produced on location by 'TOMBS OF THE GADARENES' Video Corps.